By Petra Prensky

I am a prisoner of my inner reality.
How I long to be free.
How I long to reach out and connect.
How I long to be held, touched just right.

There are so many fears, so much sorrow, so much grief.
Will I ever be free?
Will the pain ever recede?
Will my tears ever be enough?

Silence, I am tormented by silence; my own silence.
There is so much emotion in me.
I am afraid that I am too much.

So I am hiding. I am hiding my feelings, my longings, my pains.
I hold on to the secrets. I keep my mouth shut.
I don’t see, I don’t hear, I don’t speak.

Trapped in my own complicated self.
I want to throw all that, which is binding me, over board.
But I guess that would be too dramatic, too fast, too frightening.

So I take the slow and steady way, feeling myself through it all,
Suffering, crying, shaking in my room alone.
Sucking it all in, cleaning up the tears, putting a smile on, facing the world.

Facing the people that I crave to be held by.
Being tough, keeping it together.
When all I want is to fall apart while being seen, being held.

I am so scared of touch and I crave it like no other.
My misery is private,
I don’t want to burden anybody with my pain, my vulnerability.

It’s not been safe to be so vulnerable.
It’s been unforgiving, harsh and lonely.
I am like a big iceberg, frozen rigid and cold.

My emotions even though painful are the key to my freedom.
My suffering makes me cry, shake, rattle my cage.
In time I will break free of my own bondage.
Free to look you in the eyes and speak my truth.