SoulTending.com

Beloved Friend,

In your last email you wrote: “I am so happy that you don’t have any problems dealing with my recent past. Thank you for that, ‘cause sometimes I am still very insecure if I tell someone what happened to me…”
No, I do not have any problems with your recent past. I believe that these major life events are there to help us redirect our life, to go through our past and see what works and what did not and to make new commitments to ourselves.
Most of all I believe they are a chance to accept and love ourselves so much more and deeper. So, I think that having gone through the illness has probably made you a more gentle, caring, loving person. You are probably deeper, humbler and more mature because of it.
So instead of it scaring me, it made me feel more interested in you, who you have become and who you are becoming. Lots of love to you always…

This is part I of the series:

Emotions, Behaviors and our Kids

In the first 16 years of my life I experienced repeated molestations from various different sources and directions. Being the polite, nice girl I never learned to speak up. I never learned to set boundaries. I never learned that I could share my misery with a caring adult, who listens and doesn’t judge. So I internalized it all. I withdrew and became even more shy. Since I never experienced any adults around me empathizing with my feelings and validating them, I too started to discount them and even started telling myself that the molestation was not really that bad, that I didn’t really get hurt and worst of all that I was safe.

So it is no wonder that 20 years later, when I hear a caregiver say to my 2 year old: “Oh don’t cry, it is nothing.” I go out there and teach her about empathy. I tell her that in our parenting style we are doing something that is called empathy. “It is about validating his feelings.” I then proceeded by asking my child who was still crying in my arms: ”Did you hurt yourself? Where are you hurting? You must feel shocked that this happened. Are you still crying because you feel upset that you fell?”

If the emphasis of parenting is on validating what is going on for everybody involved and less on politeness and being a nice girl or a good boy, our relationships would look way different. We would have learned to set appropriate boundaries. Say “Yes” when we mean yes and “No” when we mean no. We would have learned the skill of feeling into any given situation and person and the willingness to understand life as they see it. We would have learned that we matter and that we can make a difference. In the old style of parenting we are left to feel different, not part of, me versus the rest of the world, alienated from our truth and full of inner struggle between what we think we should do and what we want to do.

I am now healing the thought patterns of the effects of my upbringing. I am a lucky one. We all are. There is so much more information out and readily available. The subconscious mind of our species is realizing more about the subtleties of existence at a rapid pace. This means that we do not have to be bound to the past as much as just the generation before us was. With this gift comes also a responsibility. We owe it to our selves, to the generations before and after us, to do as much as we can to stop the perpetuation of hurt.

Every one of us is so unique, so stopping the perpetuation of hurt means different things to each one of us. The way I believe I serve the best is to continually search to uncover old patterns of behavior and thought that don’t serve me anymore. I do this by engaging into what I am passionate about: Writing, dancing, singing, drawing, organizing, being creative, teaching, loving, serving and following my bliss.

I am happy and proud of my past. It made me the person I am. I do not regret anything. I know that I and everybody around me did the best we knew. Life is a dance and we are the prima ballerina as well as the stage hand, the make up artist, the seamstress, the choreographer, the chorus girls, the audience, the light and sound engineers. My dance with life made me more caring, courageous, deep, graceful, passionate, powerful and certainly stronger.

For as long as space endures
and for as long as living beings remain
until then may I too abide
to dispel the misery of the world.

By Shantideva

By Geshe Langri Thangpa

By thinking of all sentient beings
As more precious than a wish-fulfilling jewel
For accomplishing the highest aim,
I will always hold them dear.

Whenever I’m in the company of others,
I will regard myself as the lowest among all,
And from the depths of my heart
Cherish others as supreme.

In my every action, I will watch my mind,
And the moment destructive emotions arise,
I will confront them strongly and avert them,
Since they will hurt both me and others.

Whenever I see ill-natured people,
Or those overwhelmed by heavy misdeeds or suffering,
I will cherish them as something rare,
As though I’d found a priceless treasure.

Whenever someone out of envy
Does me wrong by attacking or belittling me,
I will take defeat upon myself,
And give the victory to others.

Even when someone I have helped,
Or in whom I have placed great hopes
Mistreats me very unjustly,
I will view that person as a true spiritual teacher.

In brief, directly or indirectly,
I will offer help and happiness to all my mothers,
And secretly take upon myself
All their hurt and suffering.

I will learn to keep all these practices
Untainted by thoughts of the eight worldly concerns.
May I recognize all things as like illusions,
And, without attachment, gain freedom from bondage.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master, grant that I may
Not so much seek.
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis of Assisi (1181-1226)

I grew up in a European village with strong influence by the Roman Catholic church and therefore have strong rooted traditions engrained in my soul. There are several things that I miss here in America when it comes to Christmas. They have to do with the time before and after December 24th and 25th. This is what is most meaningful to me:

• Advent and the 24 days in December before Christmas
• Advent and the four Sundays before Christmas
• Santa Claus day on December 6th
• Solstice on December 21st
• Christmas Night on December 24th
• Christmas Day on December 25th
• The time between Christmas and New Year
• The last day of the year, a time to look back and reflect
• New Year, resolutions and the promise inherent
• The arrival of the Three Kings on January 6th.
• Tend the soul according to the season
• The longest night and what this means for the soul

Writing and now reading this list makes me realize what a big task it is to share all the details of this important time of year. Since I am committed to have this year’s advent be the most relaxing possible, I might not be able to conquer the writing and deliver it in time. However, blogging is a work in progress by definition. It consists of different entries and there is no boss breathing down my neck. So, I will simply tackle this list in my own rhythm, knowing that I can always add. Meanwhile, I wish you all many breaks, cozy moments and lots of warmth.

We all go through difficult times. Share your favorite prayer here, so that others may find strength from it as well.

Welcome to SoulTending.com a blog that explores how to embody, connect to and tend to the soul within oneself and everything that exists.

SoulTending.com is a place where we can gather and reconnect to what it means to be tending soul(s) in the fast paced, industrial, technological and ever changing world we live in.